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BrianTan
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Name: Brian
Location: Dallas, Texas, United States
Birthday: 9/22/1989
Interests: Movies, Politics, Love, God, Gymnastics, Keira Knightley, Anime.
Expertise: Diving, Violin, Track, Eating, Procrastinating, becoming impatient, spending money. [the term 'Expertise', used loosely]
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  mr T A N 08
Member Since:
9/22/2004
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| Monday, December 31, 2007
CI07
My entire teenage lifespan has been defined by four days every year, from sixth grade to twelfth (with the exception of one): Christmas Institute, a youth camp where a bunch of us kids group up at Bridgeport for fun and God. It seems like only yesterday when I was intimidated by my older sister and all those bullies during my first year; and now, would you believe it, my own senior run has come and gone.
I knew the inevitable "final year" of high school would come, but never did I imagine that it would strike so suddenly. Being a senior honestly hasn't been as glorious as I imagined; 3 AP classes, college apps and a lot of other things have piled on and over my "blow-off" year. Blow-off, my butt. But with all of the busyness and commotion, I haven't really had a chance to think about or take in all the "last" events I'm having as a senior: Last Winter orchestra concert, Last Homecoming, etc. Experiencing my "last" CI, however, really made me stop and actually realize, wow... it's really my final year.
Soo enough of that dramatic crap. This year's CI was seriously off the chain, no joke, I don't even know how it was so good this year, but it really fell together in all parts. I think part of it was because it was a smaller crowd, which allowed for a more intimate or closer connection between everyone. At first I was really discouraged: "this is IT?" But hey, sometimes good things come in small packages. (....muahahah.)
First of all, being the oldest meant one thing: a younger and, honestly, more approachable crowd. There would be times when I would look around and realize, holy crap, it's just like... OUR generation! There was no older click to have to worry about stampeding on the parade, or being awkward around, and that was really awesome. That may have meant a smaller group, but I didn't care; it was the people that I was really comfortable with, or that I could BECOME comfortable with, and that all meshed out really well. Your peers really have an effect on your attitude or experiences, and this year's crowd definitely made it all positive and downright f u n: no drama included.
That's probably one of the biggest things about this year, and affected pretty much everything else about CI... but another thing about this year, I cracked up so much, I am not even kidding! It's probably because I could have zero reservations whenever I cracked jokes or laughed my crazy-a-ugly laugh, and that might have to do with me being a senior and not caring about anything... but seriously, I laughed, a lot. Haha, it was mostly from zooming in on pictures in cameras..... baaaaaahhaaahhahah
FREEZE TAG was definitely a freakin' plus, too, like half the camp was probably playing by the end of it! I couldn't believe how successful that was, and if you're ever wondering who it was that started the idea for that, you can stop searching, because yo man is rite heea =) lol foreal though that was ridiculously fun, and everyone got really into it too. Probably the highlight of CI
My testimony in Australian was a lot of fun too, although I stuttered all over the place trying to organize my thoughts while retaining the aussie-talk. but it really was pretty cool, I've always had a thing for accents and wished I had one.. Gurh, it was supposed to be British, but I just fumbled in the slang and it wound up Australian.. oh well, it was cool, anyway. I've always secretly dreamed of publicly speaking in either of those accents, so I finally got my wish. So, ay encaurage you, taek yor maesks auf.. did anyone record it, by chance? Man, I should've asked somebody to, it was really good =)
Catacomb Worship... (woo boy, here we go) (..shut up) well, the ropes course, although I didn't get to participate as normal, was still really touching on it's own. If you didn't know, I was the guy who asked for help with the water.. and getting rejected by people was just like, dang, this is how it feels when a friend turns away and abandons you when you need help. I was just playing around with it at first, acting all dramatic.. but after awhile, and after certain incidents, I really almost started crying. I knew it was just a simulation, but I just started thinking, how painful would that be to actually be abandoned by this person if I seriously needed help? And, how often have I ever done that to somebody? At first I was down about not doing the ropes thing as normal, but now I'm glad I did what I did, because it made me see things in an entirely different perspective
The bonfire... words can't describe what that bonfire meant to me. Everybody knows I'm an emotional wreck when it comes to the bonfire, but this year I was actually pretty tame... however, now that I reflect on it, my heart just feels like it's imploding. All I could think during the bonfire was, it can't end... it can't end. And with every note sung, and woodchip burnt off, and every communion offered, I knew it was slowly just slipping away and past me. I sat and I felt the heat from the fire, and I just remembered how I've gone through this over five times before... yet tonight, it's my last time here, as a youth, as a kid. I felt like my CI life was just slowly burning away in that fire, inevitably to be extinguished.. when I found a hug from Kimmie, I felt like I was dying inside. How can this possibly be the end?
What am I going to do... what am I going to do. When us seniors huddled in prayer, and Kimmie was finishing up, I started sobbing inside. It can't end... I never want it to end. But there it was, ending! I will always hold on to the memory of the five of us together in our huddle, praying and laughing and crying all the same, but right now sadness overwhelms me at the fact that it has to be just that, a memory. It's over, it's ending, and... I am just so at a loss for what I am supposed to do. How will I ever get over that.. the idea of leaving my church... leaving my youth group...
WOW...ENOUGH OF THAT. so Late Night Antics just weren't up to par this year actually, for me! I normally remember it as like THE thing of CI, the big bang or whatever... but nah, it was a little flat this time. That's probably just because the entire camp was already so pumped up as it were, and to go up any higher would have just been miraculous.. so there really aren't any complaints. Spoons and Mafia were fun. Although I WISH KEVIN ALEXIS AND JARED would have woken me up >:|
THIS IS SO %&*ING LONG ok CI07 was great, sad but definitely one of the best literally I will never forget it, comment or tag my 375 pictures for me if you get bored, WOO SENIORS, LONG LIVE CI | | |
| Saturday, April 21, 2007
The Aussie-British-Irish Accent
Current mood: geeky
Category: Parties and Nightlife
Mr Tan 08 (9:50:36 PM): aite well aye bae auff ta bed
JjangGoo1004 (9:51:55 PM): ok
Mr Tan 08 (9:51:07 PM): aye'll cauch ya layta, ya sellay gel
JjangGoo1004 (9:52:20 PM): loser
JjangGoo1004 (9:52:22 PM): just go
JjangGoo1004 (9:52:30 PM): stop trying to be all pimp
JjangGoo1004 (9:52:34 PM): ok w/e brian
JjangGoo1004 (9:52:37 PM): puhahaha
Mr Tan 08 (9:51:32 PM): doo ehnjauy me aussay aucent
Mr Tan 08 (9:51:49 PM): whaal aye taik a bit ova slumbah
Mr Tan 08 (9:51:56 PM): fo tha naigh
JjangGoo1004 (9:53:17 PM): bye
JjangGoo1004 (9:53:21 PM): bye
JjangGoo1004 (9:53:22 PM): bye
JjangGoo1004 (9:53:23 PM): bye
JjangGoo1004 (9:53:24 PM): bye
Mr Tan 08 (9:52:19 PM): draimin bout bloody kang'roos an whautnaught
JjangGoo1004 (9:53:25 PM): bye
JjangGoo1004 (9:53:30 PM): omg
JjangGoo1004 (9:53:32 PM): ok
JjangGoo1004 (9:53:34 PM): w/e brian
Mr Tan 08 (9:52:48 PM): yanaaauw, laik criocky!
JjangGoo1004 (9:54:19 PM): omg...
Mr Tan 08 (9:53:19 PM): oh buggah, i neaahly fohgot ta set mah alahm laughst noight
Mr Tan 08 (9:53:29 PM): bloody horrible thaugh wahs
JjangGoo1004 (9:54:41 PM): ok mr crocidile hunter
JjangGoo1004 (9:54:45 PM): its bedtime
Mr Tan 08 (9:53:45 PM): i neahly di-nt waughke aughp!
JjangGoo1004 (9:55:12 PM): laik criocky...
JjangGoo1004 (9:55:13 PM): lol
Mr Tan 08 (9:54:16 PM): oh bullocks aye've fagotten ta maike me launch again
Mr Tan 08 (9:54:25 PM): sstyoupid maie
Mr Tan 08 (9:54:55 PM): i'd betta get roight on toppa thaugh, ey? kinda like chahley and es luckay chahms
JjangGoo1004 (9:56:04 PM): yes...stupid you
Mr Tan 08 (9:55:12 PM): toppa tha mornan to ya lassay!
Mr Tan 08 (9:55:25 PM): ore shouldai say, toppa tha NOIGHT!
Mr Tan 08 (9:55:33 PM): HYAHYAKHYAKHKAKHUUKHKY
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| Monday, April 16, 2007
SHATTERED DREAMS
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life
So first of all, those must have been the worst slideshow pictures possible of me at the memorial service, I have no idea why my mom would ever release that picture of me dancing a fool at that japanese festival. It was for extra credit!...
But for those of you who don't know what happened thursday/friday at my school Creekview... it was Shattered Dreams, a program to help open eyes about drinking and driving, where an accident and over 29 deaths in the school were staged. There was a movie of Creekview students shown, of kids experiencing the horrifying effects of drinking and driving first hand. It was pretty wild; they had the crashed cars and mangled bodies of the students outside of the school and everybody got to go outside and watch, while the ambulances and firefighters came and took them to the hospital. It was all staged, nobody was actually hurt or injured.. but the emotions of it were all definitely real.
In addition to the specific car crash, 29 students at Creekview were taken out of class by the Grim Reaper, and died. Their faces were painted ghostly and dead, and for the rest of the day they weren't allowed to speak to anyone.. anyone. I was one of these "living dead," and I have to tell you, seeing that Grim Reaper slowly appear in the doorway and take me out of class was horrifying. I was shaking from how eerie it was, to literally watch death come and fetch you away from everyone. Keeping a straight face and shut mouth was difficult too during the day, especially when everybody's staring at you and your haunted face (I literally looked like the little boy in The Grudge, I almost peed when I saw it). It wasn't as emotional as I thought it might've been, but it was still definitely hard to not be able to say a word to anyone.
Then we were taken on a retreat to Mary Grimes, right by Standridge Stadium... yeah I had no idea about that, our parents packed all of our stuff and sent it for us, and we spent the night there until this morning big shock there, but I wound up having a really cool experience there. We did a lot of activities first; drunken golfcart-driving was pretty crazy, we wore impaired-goggles and had to drive through a course, I did ok but some people like tore completely through the cones and we visited a funeral home and went through the steps that our parents would go through.. it was pretty surreal, to see the caskets that our parents would have to choose, and about the process of getting our dead body embalmed and dressed for a funeral.
After all that we came back and ate, and then played a crapload of games and icebreakers for probably 3 hours… it was fun, but the guy leading it was a jerk, and some of the games made no sense, so we all eventually just got tired of him and the games after awhile. By this time it was pretty late at night, and we settled into better clothes and heard some speakers for awhile… I won't go into specifics, but I just know that their messages really hit home for me and for all of us, and I won't ever forget some of their stories, it's really eye opening.
After we'd heard all of the speakers, we went into rooms and had to write letters of goodbye to our family and friends… This was probably the most powerful part of the entire program. I knew that it wasn't real the entire time, and that I wasn't really dead, but just imagining saying goodbye to all of the people and things in my life… it broke my heart. Most people wrote about their moms and dads and just them, but I tried my best to include everyone that was really special to me… I tell you, it was hard, probably one of the hardest things I've ever done, to dig inside of the past and have to let it all go, and say goodbye to EVERYthing, and everyone. There's just so much that you end up wanting to say that's never been said before, and you realize just how much you seriously regret in your life. I'm not going to lie, I cried the entire way through that letter; some people at the retreat had to get up and leave the table for awhile, because it was just too hard. I mean, just imagine: all the people, family, friends, organizations and groups that you love and are a part of, suddenly gone… it was an overwhelming notion, to be writing these goodbyes and imagining how it would be like to know that you would NEVER see these people again, and you'd never have the chance to tell them these things if it was for real. I cried at the idea of having to say goodbye, forever… to my mom, my friends, my family, everything.
After we finished our letters we circled up and read our letters out loud; I doubt there was a single person there who didn't cry that night. I didn't get enough courage to read mine, but just to hear the regrets and touched lives of others was… breaking. I learned some things about people that I would never have imagined could have happened to them, and it's incredible in both that way and in how touching it was, all of us together broken and saying goodbye to our loved ones. I didn't really know the people at the retreat all too well, but after that it just feels like there's some connection that isn't going to be taken away from us by that experience, because it was so powerful.
If that letter taught me anything, it's that I need to, like the quote, "live each day like it was your last." I know it's cliché, but the experience of that letter has really made that line… real, to me. I can't explain it. So, I've read my letter to some of the groups in that letter, i.e. my youth group, etc. but I know I haven't gotten to them all… hopefully soon I'll get the chance, because time runs out on us, and this has really made me realize how true that is. It's been an emotional weekend(?); every time I read or even think about that letter I start to tear up, and it hits me fast, like nothing I've ever experienced. It's a painful kind of regret that I only wish everybody could go through, to understand how valuable everything and everyone is in our lives.
Shattered Dreams was.. incredible, to say the least. Props to Denise and everybody involved in it, you've made a big difference on a lot of us… well, you definitely got me. | | |
| Friday, January 19, 2007
fading
Current mood: numb
life seems to have lost its spice.
this really is probably all the post-sick in me talking, but lately... I've just been feeling down. more down than normal, which says a lot.
I mean, only two days of school this week, I should've been ecstatic. ...Instead, I found those two days amongst the longest, most boring, dragging, draining school days of the year. What's up with that?
I dunno, it just feels like there's a fire dying inside of me. And I can't even remember when or where that fire came from, what it burned for, and what the heck I'm supposed to do to keep it alive.
There's one thing I still feel motivated at, which is violin. I'm really grateful for that.
But in almost all and every other aspect of my life, I feel like everything is just... fading. I just don't get it, I've had all of this vacation time, South Africa, all of this... and yet, I still feel like I just need a break from it all.
It's probably just a post-South Africa thing, or post-sickness thing, but that doesn't mean it bothers me. I've had my spells of weakness and lowness, but it just feels numbing this time around. When I smile, I can REALLY feel the mask.
I feel like I'm even struggling with my relationship with God, too. I've had all this time while I was sick to talk and pray to God, and I did... but, I dunno, it felt so empty. I've never felt that before. It really scares me, to have my arms extended, begging to be held, and even He seems to turn the shoulder this time. That's really confusing, considering how strong I felt in and coming out of South Africa with Him. Maybe that's the problem... that whole, "sugar high," thing, maybe.
I dunno, I'm just having trouble finding focus in it all. In everything, really. I'm so glad I have that violin, but everything else... just seems to be falling apart.
I think it's routine though, for me. This seems to always happen around post-Christmastime. I don't know why, but it always does, and it always is really, really painful.
Everybody has their bad days." ...well, I've definitely been having mine. | | |
| Friday, January 05, 2007
OUT OF AFRICA
Category: Travel and Places
www.flickr.com/photos/briantan
With a vacation as long and as jam-packed with things as mine was, it's hard to know where to start with all of it. For those who don't know, I've been in South Africa for about 12 days for a global United Methodist youth convocation, and just for some vacationing. But man, let me tell you, the experiences are beyond that which I can even attempt to explain.
Since I studied the history of South Africa for what seemed like almost a full semester my freshman year, it was a complete dream to actually be stepping foot in the country that I fantasized and knew so much about. Even hearing a local's South African accent sent chills down my spine, turning what I thought would forever be an intriguing history into a reality that I was experiencing first hand.
O.K., so first of all, the convocation was amazing. Just incredible! My meeting with the Division had kind of already broken me into the whole international jazz, but even still, there's no way I couldn't have been shocked at the amazing representation of Methodist young people from around the world. It literally took my breath away to see representation from Alaska, and Angola, and Austria, but especially more amazing was it to see full delegations from Switzerland and Germany. That impressed me beyond belief. I remember that the Division meeting had been a real eye-opener for me, especially in terms of Germany; but now, my eyes are opened to the WORLD, helping me realize just how lucky and priviledged my own church and community is with our growing ministry.
Since I'm on the Division I was given the task of recording minutes during legislation, which was quite a deal of work, but man, it was truly inspiring to see everything happen as quickly and as beautifully as it did, despite the chaotic feeling in the air. So much seemed unprepared and rushed, but in the end we pushed through it all, together, and it amazed me that a body of young people was capable of such a feat. I've had my fair share of distrupted and messy legislation processes, so to see one run smooth is even impressive on its own; but to see it go well, amidst chaos, and as a GLOBAL body??? ...that practically justifies all of my reasons for being involved in the politics of my church. It's... incredible.
I've never been more proud to be a United Methodist. I can't say I've ever really announced my denomination with pride, but I definitely will now. Being a part of the convocation was unimaginably empowering and inspiring, and it will definitely be something I will never forget, for as long as I live.
I've realized a lot, coming out of Africa. One: don't pity the "poor African people." Man, there are "poor African people" right in our backyards. Poverty is poverty, and I saw no difference in a streetdweller there than a streetdweller here in Dallas. Nor did I see any difference between the huts and shacks of Soweto and the run-down homes of my own ethnicity in the Philippines. After being there, I can hardly even believe that I stereotyped Africa to just be THE continent of poverty and sham and AIDS... it's problems they face, but those are problems faced around the world, and there is just no order for pity of this one continent. What really struck me was when I went to an orphanage in Johannesburg, and I met a 7 year old child with AIDS... and he was no different than I was when I was that age. No different. None at all.
They are people, just like you are people. Do not treat them like objects; treat them like the people that they are. They are just like you."
That's a big thing I've realized. And another is to just, literally, count your blessings. This is a bit of a repeat from my experiences with the Division meeting, but it's just on such a bigger scale this time around; I heard so many stories from so many people, lucky to even get 50 people in their pews on Sunday morning, the idea of a teenage ministry completely lost. When I heard those stories, it made me feel horrible about myself; how blessed am I, here, in America, with as flourishing of a ministry as I have at my church, and yet I can't be satisfied with what I have. It's always more, more, asking for more of my church and of God, while my friends in Zimbabwe and Sweden are struggling to even get rooted. I couldn't believe how selfish I felt. It's really eye-opening.
I'm almost positive that I'll be working in some variation of foreign/international affairs when I grow up now. I can't get enough of it. and man, South Africa is such an incredible country, I wish I could move there. The accents, the weather, the people... it's great. I've loved the place even just by reading textbooks about it's history, and now that I've been there... it's like, x10, in love. I think I just might have to revisit in 2010 for FIFA :]
There's tons more that I could just keep going on about the trip, but I doubt anybody's even reading this anymore, so I'd better end it up. I've learned so much from this trip, and really re-newed a lot of things personally. I sure did miss out on stuff back here at home, and it's good to be back, but man, South Africa is definitely amongst one of those "best things that's ever happened to me.
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